Abstract Musings...

A Score and Half a Decade X_X

2012-01-20T23:31:00.001+01:00

That's how old i turned today. And I finally realized that wanting affection/attention sometimes is not a sign of weakness, rather, it is a sign of humanity. But i'm a demi-goddess dammit. Guess that other demi part was just really strong today.

One of the people I wanted attention from the most today was incapable of giving it to me; and for the first few hours of today, i felt sad. I've never really been sad on my birthday before, but today I was. Then i snapped out of it because I remembered all the other awesome people that care(d). The ones who genuinely wanted my day to be grand and who made it work. For those ones, I am most grateful.

I wouldn't have had today happen any other way (although I do wish I was with my Lagos fam. Miss y'all die). I'm grateful to God for another new year and I really am older ...and ~~a bit~~ wiser.

HAPPY NEW YEAR people :*

The beautiful ones

2011-11-14T23:37:00.001+01:00

Over the past year, I have had to make a lot of decisions (most of which were 'wrong' ones and because of this, i have learned how strong and blessed and favoured and smart and awesome I am. Yes, you're reading right, this is a self-love post ...and then some.

I didn't get here all at once though, it took a little bit of work. A period of self-pity and guilt and sadness and some other emotions that Tunrayo just does not feel. I got through it all. Not by myself thankfully and I'm really grateful for the beautiful people i know *humming Chris Brown's beautiful people*

Growing older sucks some times, what with bills and decisions and experiences, but it is so much fun at the end. Although i don't update my blog that often, i'm still happy i have a record of some of my emotions or my mind set at an earlier time, it helps me track my growth and I like what i see.

I was going through a past post and i saw a comment on 'keeping the company of wise friends', needless to say, that's what I've been doing. I'm trying to stop taking my wise people for granted and i'm cutting loose some people (I attended a wedding this weekend that helped reinforce my decision, but that is gist for another post). Trust me it's exhilarating.

*commercial break* I swear, I don't know what I'm getting at. tehehe.

Anyways, my supply of wise company is limited, so I'm scouting for some more. I'm looking for mind numbing, orgasmic, mentally stimulating conversation; my brain is getting redundant. So i was thinking of joining this book club (i have to wait till December) and there is this one gal whose mind i am interested in, but we dislike each other on principle (blasted pride and girly rivalry). Any ideas how I can widen my networking circle and get the mindgasm I crave?

Ènìyàn l’aso mi

2011-11-07T20:24:00.002+01:00

She would never fully comprehend what she means to me;
but this midget has been all that and more.
She is my voice of reason at the rightest times even when I don't listen.
I'm sorry I left you, still planning my third escape.

She would never understand the depth of my gratitude towards he;
but this fully breasted amazon of a woman has been a solid rock
especially when my whole world was falling apart.

She would never know how much I hold her dear;
but this tiny genius always sees me through career and spiritual crisis
all I need do is ask.

This is a special tribute to 3 wonderful ladies in my life. I never show it cos my emotions are fucked but you mean the world to me. I constantly pray that our friendship never fades.

*** I stole this off i and i didn't do as much justice to the title as i would have loved to. Learning to be ~~more~~ expressive sucks, I still haven't gotten a hang of it yet but *fingers crossed* we'll see how it goes.

Considering Polyandry

2011-10-29T20:24:00.001+01:00

It has been said more times than I am comfortable with hearing that I am one of the most emotionally fucked people ever. I do not wear this badge with pride (although, once upon a time, I thought it was really cool), rather, I have come to realize that it is a simple fact; kinda like saying I have manly feet (one of my most embarrassing features). Isn’t it the wise ones that say knowing your problem gets you a step closer to the solution? That’s a load of bull if you ask me because now that I know most of my problem(s), I have no idea what to do with ~~them~~ it (like how I am crappy when it comes to compromising, how do I change that? :s).

But I digress, back to the topic on ground. I have not been able to commit to one person in …forever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a cheat; I don’t bother getting into relationships in the first place because I just snap and disappear. He might be perfect in every way possible, then he’ll do something or say something or be something I cannot get past and that’s it, poof!, I’m gone. I have this one guy who stimulates me intellectually, abuses me emotionally and does zilch for me physically; then the one who is forever condescending towards me mentally, kisses like a god, and I abuse emotionally; another who really, really, really tries to get me but he isn’t patient enough or doesn’t understand why I am this messed up, yet he treats me like a princess (when we see) and has those hugs that turn my knees to mush; okay, maybe they are not so perfect after all.

Won’t it be great if I could have all three of them under one roof as husbands (and a few ‘concubines’ to boot), servicing me as I deem fit? (dreams tunrayo, keep dreaming). But I swear, my life will be a whole lot less complicated in that department if it was ok for me to mix and match :D I have come to terms with the simple fact that no one is perfect (I’ve always known this bit) and that someday, I will have to settle (this part scares me shitless). Yet, a huge part of me knows that won’t happen anytime soon, that part believes there is someone out there for me who understands me and can ~~tolerate~~ accommodate my idiosyncrasies (trust me, I have loads of those), satisfy me emotionally and sexually, control me (I tend to always do as I please, no one bothers to stop me), know all my deep dark secrets and still love me regardless. I fear this lady might just be alone for a loooooong time, but is this too much to ask?

Maybe I’m too spoiled for choice and when I’m 35, loveless and miserable, my head will be correct. Or maybe not…

What You Want

2011-10-27T23:10:00.001+01:00

'hello, hello, its only me infecting everything you love'

One day, I'll be happy;
One day, I'll find what satisfies me;
One day, my restless feet will stop searching.

'stand and face the unknown'

That day is not today;
That day couldn't come any sooner.

'somewhere beyond the pain, there must be a way to learn forgiveness'

**playing in my head: Evanescence's What you want

I Miss...

2011-04-20T20:10:00.000+01:00

...us

Embracing the arts once again means she has to open herself up to all sorts of emotions. Problem with her having emotions is that she tends to read too many meanings into the littlest of things. Like how after 5 years, his name just randomly comes up and brings with it raw emotions that choke her so much she has to gasp for breathe or how he finally created a twitter account and he used her picture as his avatar.

Unicorns

2011-04-09T15:20:00.002+01:00

I wish I could write.
Long pages filled with characters,
Winding lyrics into interwoven songs,
Painting pictures with my words,
Write you a story so good you believe you were there when it happened,
You believe you lived it all and it was a memory.

I wish i could sing.
The words i write will be songs,
Songs fit for Billboard top 10,
Music you'd want to listen to; music you'd share with friends on bbm and on 4shared,
Because the lyrics speak to you and express what you feel expressly.

But i suck at words :(
My mind thinks in numbers
I love Math. the way i don't have to think before i solve a problem,
all I need is a formula and voila!
there is ALWAYS an answer. As long as i substitute the appropriate values.

So instead of words...

...I wish i could play a musical instrument.
A violin, the keyboard, the guitar, hell even the mouth organ like D'Banj.
Anything that doesn't require complex words, but passes the message across,
Brings tears to your eyes because the sounds i play are so heart-wrenching
that they call to your stone cold aching heart and you weep.

More than instruments;

I wish i could draw.
Paint you a picture so vivid u think it was a photograph,
a photograph capturing every moment of life at the exact right time,
a picture you use as a screensaver, a wallpaper, a muse,
one deeply imprinted in your memory you coulda sworn you thought it up

But i can do none of these. So i resort to a blog to help me translate the ancient Greek my mind speaks that I cant decipher.

...I think I'm back people. Missed y'all mucho grande

Peaches

2010-12-21T15:58:00.000+01:00

The only thing i asked of you, you gave to another;
patiently waited but i got nada.
Now you ask silly questions like 'are you ok?';
I smile sweetly and reply 'I'm right as rain'.

Easier to run

2010-12-21T10:30:00.000+01:00

'Never moving forward so they'd never be a past'

This was the theme line for my life once upon a time. Then i took chances i ordinarily would never have and as expected they landed me in a shitload of trouble. But trouble loves me and the feeling is mutual so i had to sort it all out myself. Now my identity is misplaced. Like i'm getting a new set of finger prints or DNA or something. I'm not sure I'm liking my state of mind right now but I'm enjoying the uncertainty.

New year coming up and i can't even feel it. Maybe its 'cos this is the first Christmas season I won't be with the family. Whatever the case, the sight of all them lights and hats and red and green deco don't make me feel festive. On the contrary i feel like punching someone's lights out. Where is a war when i need one to make me smile. I'm going to be alone with my cat cooking and watching horror movies. Now thats the perfect Christmas if you ask me :D

playing faintly in the background: easier to run - LP

The Beginning

2010-12-07T12:59:00.000+01:00

Thinking and it's vices
All i want to do is sleep
No one understands
Not cos they don't get me
but cos just as they begin to
I become someone else

...Evolving

I could really use a wish...

2010-08-10T16:53:00.002+01:00

right now, i want one person i feel comfortable/safe/secure/vulnerable enough with to just breakdown and cry and let it all out.

Otherwise, im great. Just dont have much to say :(

Altered...

2009-11-16T14:04:00.001+01:00

...my blog name slightly. crossed out the repressed cos well, i'm not repressing them thoughts anymore. I already let out most of the repressed ones and these days im all for honesty so if someone i write about accidentally stumbles on this it wont be news to them.

Just in case you noticed some posts are missing, I took them off cos I don’t feel like putting those feelings on display anymore. They are in my archives now though.

I dont like my female friends very much or maybe I’ve just been unfortunate to have to wrong girlfriends or maybe i havent been a good friend myself thus the treatment from 'friends' or maybe im just subconsciously attracted/addicted to drama. what ever the case is, im not really liking my friends right now. I saw some of them over some weekend ago and our goals are so different (not like I have any defined ones) all they could talk about was some party, some dress, some bag, some boy + they’ve gone all superficial on me. Basically, i'm needing me new ones in blogoratti's words i'm seeking the company of wise friends…

In more recent news, I got robbed on Sunday morning at about 12:45am. My bag is gone with all my Atm and ID cards. I don’t like the inconvenience of having to block my cards and then get new ones or the process of police reports or court affidavits. But I’m really grateful to God cos it could have been much worse. Otherwise, my weekend was quiet.

I think I’m starting to confuse reality what with all them TV series I’ve been watching. I really need to get out more.

Hi people, how was the weekend?

Sometimes...

2009-10-28T11:12:00.003+01:00

...like today, i wonder who'll know if something bad happens to me.

I live alone in my lovely little palace (no one can tell me my single room is anything less than that) and i can count the number of people who know the way there on one hand. This morning i was thinking (and not for the first time) what will happen if i fell so ill i could barely move, or say i slipped in the bathroom and cracked my skull or something of that sort...my body would probably be rotting for months before they find me :D (not like im praying for anything bad to happen but still...)

The reason for this thought today: this morning around 5, i woke up and i couldn't breathe (i'm asthmatic) and i couldn't find my drugs either. i was weezing and breathing through my mouth in short painful gasps and although i dont like people being aroound me when i'm having an attack (cos frankly, they panic more than i do), twud still have been nice to know there was someone who knew i wasnt feeling too good or help me look for them damn drugs. sigh.

...despite all these though, i'll still rather live alone.

Other random news:

does anybody watch 'mad men'? if yes, what do you think about it?
I'm obssessed with serial killers....HELP!
I dont like being the new girl very much, what exactly am i supposed to be doing on twitter?
I've had two pregnancy related dreams in the past month...is my subconscious telling me something? (Heaven forbid)
does anyone know any really good horror writer?

Happy Wednesday people :)

In My Head Now

2009-09-20T00:20:00.003+01:00

I came home for the short break but first i stopped by to see Tee. A girl with purpose I was all prepared to break it off. But that dudes slimy. He knew how to say what to say and when. left me confused wondering what i thought i was doing. Thing is (and i told him the truth), I only feel that good when i'm with him. When i'm not, im thinking whys and whats, and what ifs and all that. How am i going to leave?

I'm emotionally drained what with friends, family and love interests. Everything is getting to me and im seriously trying to flush it all away. But its so lonely all by myself.

I miss my friend(Matilda btw) and i talked about it with my sisters. heavy load off my chest. not like they helped but it helped me just talking to them. so i've made up my mind, i think it might be time for another one of my friendships to end :(((. and it breaks my heart but if after two months we cant even have a decent conversation, then maybe theres no hope for our friendship again. she says we are still friends but i know what it was/is like to be friends with her and what we are doing now is being civil. i cant take that. i might be asking for too much but i want all or nothing. im not saying i want things exactly the same way(they can never be) but i dont want the half silent half civilized treatment. there's only so much i can take. i'm going to apologize for old times sake and cos im actually sorry. im also going to ask for her forgiveness because i wronged her and i know it and theres no point being hard-headed about it. but then i think we'll part ways(or at least i'll be leaving). kinda like my closure. i hope it liberates me. it would take time for me to heal and i dont think i'll ever have a friend that comes halfway close to what she means to me but what ever has to be has to be. I'm letting go.

Where is fancy-free? did she leave without a good bye?

I'm going celibate and im cutting my hair. The celibacy, im not sure where its coming from. it might be my whole character change, it might be a phase. whatever it is, it feels good so far although i havent started and im very weak willed. i told Tee, he says i should stop playing. but i think im really serious. although he can be really persuasive and did i mention that the sex was great? The hair, ive been toying with the idea for a while now and i know a lot of people who would have my head for just thinking about cutting my hair(cos my hair right now is pretty long if i say so myself) but this is for me(if i get the guts to follow through).

In the mean time, i wonder what i'll do to occupy my time seeing as im cutting off from everybody. i loathe being bored. God, im screwed.

i dont know if this is wrong but i prayed God would take away all my emotions. i said i dint want to feel anything at all. good or bad happy or sad. do you think He'll answer that?

Still trying to come up with a happy thought to end this post cos recently ive been all dark and ish. Oh, yes i have finally quit smoking and this time its for real. I have half a pack of B&H sitting in my room in my ashtray with a lighter and i look at it everytime i'm home but i never touch it. i dont even have the urge anymore although i did before...but i'll like to think im past it now.(Amen to that) one down a million and one more to go. wish me luck.

Thank you so much for the support. i def need it *massive hugs*

I'll try to update asap. there's this new cyber cafe that opened on my street. i have a feeling i'll be good for their business (see how much i luv you).

ive given up on trying to make blog rounds on a clock after all ive missed so if you see a comment from me a year after your post, dont be mad, after all they say its the thought that counts. hehehe :)

I'm Officially...

2009-09-07T14:09:00.005+01:00

....emotionally unstable. One moment I think i'm in mad like with someone forever and day but the next day i cant care less how they are doing or whats going on with them. Who would have thunk that after all this self induced drama saga i just went through, barely 2months down the line i would have lost interest in Tee. Well, i kinda understand why. anything that happens so fast with so much controversies surrounding it (at least to me) def cant last long...case study, this. I weak for myself o. and to make matters worse, he obviously knows the feelings arent what they used to be and he's kinda worried cos i dont call like before, we dont chat like before. nothing. and now hes getting all clingy(a lil) making drunken calls to me, asking if i dont miss him, calling me a whole lot more often basically getting on my nerves cos he's acting a tid bit wimpy. now he's asking if we are still good. What the fuck am I to tell him? No wonder some people call me a bitch.

I knew this was going to happen cos it wont be the first time ive lost interest. i always do. no matter how much i like/ think i love/ want someone/something. my attention span is flaky like that. i just dint think it would be so soon.

sometimes i just want to be by myself so i switch off my phone cos the sound of it ringing, vibing or that message tone just annoys me not caring if anybody would be worried that my number isn't going through (but to be honest most times nobody is worried about me) and ive been doing that more often lately.

Some day recently i was in a really crappy mood and i'm talking intense 'i feel like cutting myself just to see me bleed and feel the pain' crappy and i thought there was no one to call who would understand what i was feeling. I called matilda though cos most times she comes close to hitting the spot. this time though cos of the whole me and Tee thing she was somewhat distant so no help there. I really needed someone then. I really needed help and anyone who knows me will tell you i rarely ask for anyone's help even if its killing me ill rather suffer in silence than show my vulnerability. but this time i was ready to fuck my pride(abi what else will i call it) and ask for help. But there was no one.

I got through my crappy phase all by myself and that kinda made me even less emotional(who would have thought that was possible) and im seriously thinking of purging myself of all my emotional attachments/baggage. so i'm saying bye to a lot of people and a lot of things(blogsville not included). Thing is, most times when i leave, i just disappear without a word. This time im even thinking of changing my numbers (ah! the drama queen in me rises again)

Thats where i am right now. i still have may stories to tell. Lets hope i get round to telling most of them.

update...

2009-08-27T15:38:00.002+01:00

i swear i dint run away, i dont have bloggers block (on the contrary im syuffocating from all the things i have to tell you). but ive been disconnected in the office and i had to cross 14 oceans, climb 57 mountains and walk a billion miles just to type these few words. i miss y'all sooo much you wont believe it. maybe there should be a fasting session specially dedicated to me so that my boss can re-connect my system. i hope that happens soon, i have a lot of catching up to do....

and it all went away ;-)

2009-08-06T16:39:00.002+01:00

Okay maybe not completely but close enough. Thanks to God (yes Him, i prayed), y'all (my wunnerful blogsville family) and Dean Winchester (that sonofabitch is soooo damn hot). Been watching supernatural (season 1,2,3&4) like my life depends on it. My sanity kinda does and at least i have something to look forward to when i get home.

So obviously theres still trouble in paradise but Tee doesn't want to talk about it yet (at least not over the phone). He even thinks i'm plotting against him(as if i have that kind of time *hiss*). I'm tired of his almost programmed responses so i'm done trying...Theory of a Deadman's 'Maybe we're not meant to be' keeps playing in my head. kinda fits the situation so finally i say Que Sera Sera. i'm not giving myself a headache anymore.

Now this does not in anyway mean i'm dumping Tee (the sex, just thinking about it aaarrrggghhh!!!!) and it doesn't mean i'm doing any begging/apologizing (im just too proud+i dint do shit). This is just saying, i'm too fly to be depressed...hehehe(right) and i'm dumping everything on him. If we end, fine; if we don't better....but yours truly is done hurting over man(i cant even believe i was in the first place).

I still like him but there are people who don't get up to $1 to spend in a week. I'll save my emotions for them. But i'll be keeping you updated.

Did i say a HUGE thank you to you, yes you. You made it all so much better. Now i'm going back to Salem's Lot (stephen King) waiting for work to end then its back to Dean my hottie. Hope you had a lovely week.

Randomly random

2009-07-21T11:49:00.005+01:00

I wanted to wear a skirt to work yesterday and i couldnt. Three were shortlisted: one was too short, the other dint go with any of my shirts and the last one was kinda too fancy considering what i regularly wear to work (i've only worn jeans). Well i concluded that i desperately need to go shopping.

But heres the problem, I HATE SHOPPING(clothes shopping)! make that two problems: i'm completely style-less (in the female sense). I've always been more of a tomboy (not too the core but pretty close). I'm more than comfortable with jeans, a tee and sneakers...but times are changing and my mother keeps reminding me that i'm no longer in school so i'm trying the whole feminine skirts, silky frilly shirts, heels and bags.

I've fallen in love with heels and bags but i'm just not used to the clothes yet...I need a stylist...anybody with a 'Style for dummies' hand book? I still don't do make-up though(i'm too lazy for that).

Tee and I are in some sort of relationship now(we haven't had sex yet surprisingly). I told Matilda we were dating(which we arent, at least not yet) and now she isn't talking to me. She says she needs time to process this information (doesn't help that she just found out Sammy and one of her brothers had sex a while back). I'm reserving my opinion on a lot of this. Waiting to see how it all plays out. Keep y'all posted.

I'm supposed to go electronics shopping today. Lets hope my boss lets us out on time. That means goodbye to my 'no entertainment in my house' phase. YAY! My PS is coming back to life. I can't wait. All thats left to come back is my lappie.

I don't think i can handle losing two friends in one month but if i have to, i think i'm going to be number than ever (if thats even posible)

My weekend was pretty quiet. Stayed in doors with a few girlfriends, watched movies till my eyes were sore, chatted with Tee till my fingers hurt, ate a lot, drank a little, kinda told Ed off. I liked the quiet. Twas a nice change.

How could i forget! I got a marriage proposal on saturday. This guy i've been friends with for ages, well, he told me he was going to marry me. Not the first time he's saying it, but he was kinda really serious this time. I'll blog about him later.

I realized that i dont know how to love or be loved. I push people away when they show signs that they care for me. What am i afraid of? i wonder.

p.s Roc naija, why havent we heard from you in a while?!
my song of the week...Pink's sober. Like its speaks to me.

The whole story

2009-07-08T09:28:00.003+01:00

I wonder why i dint see this one coming. Of all the reasons i thought up in my head, this was definetely NOT one of them. and if i could go back in time and this happened again, i dont think i would have done anything differently.

So heres the whole correspondence almost word for word....

R: I figure you are not talking to me, i think i know the reason, feel free to educate me tho, anyways hope you are good. take care.

T: you figured? i thot it was a mutual agreement considering our last converstaion on your birthday

R: You of all people disappoint me if you cant take a joke. it's crazy you thought i meant that, it wasnt a funny ha ha joke but i have said worse and similar, so why did you take it serious

T: cos i told you i dint think it was a joke, cos of all the attiude going round, cos i dint want to think i was indispensible and most of all cos you could have meant it and you dint say otherwise.

R: What attitude going round and if i wanted to choose a day to tell you that will it be on my bday? think about hw the conversation started, then ask yourself if you thot i was serious, be honest

T: 'Honestly' i did think you were serious. why else would i have stopped talking to you or did you think i was downsizing my friends? If you weren't serious what stopped you? why dint you let me know?

R: cos i was pissed that you will take my joke personal, i reapeat what attitude was going round?

T: not from you, the attitude that is. but it was catching. at what point did you realize we werent talking?

R: By the end of may but i just thot it was all in my head but i guess not, since it went on for this long, anyways sorry about my comment i truly meant it as a joke. have a nice day

T: and it took you two months to say? why?

R: What stopped you too? i was angry and disappointed in you, thats why it took this long at least i did, even if its after two months

T: and what was i supposed to say 'hi R, so were you joking when you said i should fuck off on your birthday?' I dint know what would have caused it and i thot if it was something i did wrong, you would say...i was waiting for you to say

R: We both seemed to have been waiting

T: I guess, so we patching things up now or are we sticking with the current situation? your choice

R: Whatever you want just making peace...and saying my piece

T: k, guess we'll be in touch then. Have a great day.
...i dint apologize. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, not seeing that you were joking, not clarifying issues and disappointing you. hope we're good. ttyl.

THAT'S ALL FOLKS...so what next people?

...The other side of the story

2009-07-07T13:59:00.002+01:00

I guess blogoratti was right when he said there are always two sides to every story and for all y'all who commented on my Reba... post, i'm sorry to disappoint you but the other side to this story is quite boring.

Three hours ago, she sent me a text: 'I figure you're not talking to me, i think i know the reason, feel free to educate me tho, anyways hope you're good, take care.' (her exact words). I'm, wondering if i should write the whole correspondence word for word or if i should just summarize the whole thing and let y'all help me figure out whats next...lemme know so i can continue.

Still on the topic, Reba's current boyfriend lives in the state i'm serving in and he has been to my house twice (and plans to come more often) but he doesn't want her to know he has been to my place. I don't know what he has to hide or what he has planned but why won't he want his girlfriend to know he visits her friend? (cos nobody knows we aren't talking)

On to the things i wanted to write about today:

- Please what is it that makes unavailable/forbidden people very very appealling? Case study:
I'm crushing on two people in my office.

One is married (and he's my boss too) the other isn't married but he has a girlfriend.
Matilda has this cousin i have this fierce attraction to and the feeling is more than mutual (the nonsense boy was even the one that got me thinking in that direction) but the problem is, Matilda has issues with her friends and family members dating. I think he'll be very good for me at least in a sexual sense but he's a no go area what to do?

- I had an interesting conversation with H (my ex) and he wants to come for the weekend so in his words we can 'tear each other up all weekend'. Now, sex with him is great but...He's my ex and although we still did some major fooling around for a long time after we broke up, i'm trying to break the 'ex jinx'. Its hard but i'm trying (and i've succeeded for 10months now). You'll probably understand better when i get to his story. My question now is, how do you turn an ex down nicely especially when a part of you doesnt want to but you know you should?

p.s. I think i might like maxwell's pretty wings....

ED!

2009-07-05T22:06:00.010+01:00

He was supposed to be my perfect fling. and that's how i wanted it.

We met in our first year at the university. He had alot of girls around him, i had a lot of guys on my case. We flirted endlessly. We were the perfect fit...but he lost me to another. H! to be specific.

Then he left, went off to school out of the country. Good for my relationship 'cos he was trouble. We still stayed in touch for a bit (just the way things go) then we drifted apart.

Twas all good, nothing lost.

He just had to return 3years later...thats when the naughty thoughts started.

Saw him at the airport, we exchanged numbers, we start talking, reminiscing. We realized amidst all the attraction we never once kissed all those years ago, we joke about them days, we are different now. He's older, I'm wiser, He's smoother, I'm harder. Nothing's changed and nothing's the same.

Stroke of fate or whatever you want to call it, 2 weeks after that, we meet again. I'm with my friends, he comes to our room. We talk. He says he wants to try what we never got round to doing....we kiss, and its was nice. (lol, nice my ass, twas TEW MAD).

Anyways, we meet at the next night at the club...needless to say, i dint go back home with the girls :-D

He was around for just a week, i was all smiles most of that week. And so it was supposed to have ended. Just that. PERFECT

But no, he just had to come back. His dad died (i was the sympathy sex ;-).

Was in my final semester then. Dint even know he was back. He calls me. He just landed. He wants to see me but it would have to be in the evening. I say ok. Time set for 8. By 8, no Ed. No problem, i wasn't really counting on seeing him but it would have been nice.

12:13am, phone call. Its him,

'I'm outside your door.'

'at this time?'

'yep, come out, i'm waiting'

I do. He wants us to go to his place (Its an hours drive from mine). I have a test the next morning. We argue a bit. My body knows i'll end up going with him. My mind puts up a hard front. My body scoffs and says the battle was already lost before it started. My mind still tries its best. You can guess who won. We made it to his place in 35minutes.

And so our topsy-turvy affair started. We were each others booty call. But only for a short time He had to go back after the funeral. School and all.

The best part of the 'relationship' for me was the fact that we never kept in touch while he was away. No mushy i miss yous or when next are we going to see or i hope you aren't cheating on me. none of that. We hardly ever have meaningful conversation although i'm sure if we do it would be magic 'cos we are very compatible. I'm just not interested in conversating with him...and i think the feeling is mutual. We can be summed into sex, food, alcohol and clubs. It works for both of us.

We finally finish school at about the same time and he's around more often. But i'm in my family house and suffice to say, i dont go out that often so there goes our lil' affair.

But Nigeria thinks we should continue this 'thing' we have going. NYSC...temporary freedom. We see sometimes, and things happen.

Now this is where the story changes. Sammy and Vic start quizzing me on our sex life and how it would be nice if we dated. Inbetween my answering their questions, for the first time i see him as a real person. I realise little things he does...the one they thought was cute is that he always holds me to sleep sex or no sex and normally i don't like being cuddled but he's like this huge teddy. We fit. So comfortable.

Speaking of comfort, he always makes sure i'm ok. Well fed (i love food), not neglected, asks if i'm okay, what i want, basically makes sure i'm taken care of when we are together.

If i think about it well, he actually tries to start up conversations, i just never respond or i change the topic. I have no idea if he's in any relationship and vice versa.

Thats the way i liked it. Damn those girls. They just had to let me start thinking about what ifs....

* unedited. i'at work as usual. someone might me reading over my head. they'll realise i'm not their innocent young girl....we dont want that now do we

Just wondering....

2009-07-03T21:55:00.004+01:00

one long ass post VS more than 3 relatively short posts a day?

Reba...

2009-07-02T12:16:00.004+01:00

I was originally going to talk about the minor things that happened to me yesterday + i thought i'll probably talk about H first when i got round to introducing people in my life but i read a post a few minutes ago by TayneMent and towards the end she said 'I miss a certain friend of mine but I am not going to make any effort anymore so I don't force a friendship so to speak. I hope she is doing okay though.'

Just that and i remembered Reba and how my sentiments towards her are exactly how Taynement put it. We've been (or should i say were) friends for about 5 years...short considering other friendships i've heard about, but really long for me 'cos basically, i dont stick to the same people for long (commitment issues).

Anyways, we had good and bad times as most friends do and i really thought we'll be friends if not forever for a really long time. But.... I left school, she's still in school. That wasn't a problem really. Communication was still fair and we never had problems with catching up on lost times. Until her birthday this year, I dont think we had spoken in over a week prior to that day.

So i'm wishing her a happy birthday and asking her random questions like why her phones weren't going through at 12am and dint she know it was her birthday and things. I ask about how she's always waiting for me to call her(teasing her i think, maybe i was subconsciously accusing) and about a mutual friend i heard she had a rift with.

Then she has to go and say something silly like she's only talking to/calling people who are insignificant to her and how she doesn't have time for excess baggage (not her exact words but close) and i'm like so you haven't been calling me because i'm in your words useless to you.

She says i should take it as i like and i say i hope you know the next time we'll talk will probably be on New Year's day and it might be just a text, thats if i send one at all. She says yes, probably. And that was that, i said bye, hung up and we havent spoken since then.

I don't know if she thought i was joking, or if we were just meant to not be friends. Whatever the case, i actually do miss her. Alot. But i won't be making first moves because i don't want to 'force a friendship' if it isn't meant to be, and i don't think she will either (for wat ever reasons she has) so i guess thats bye to that phase. I really wish it wasnt but what can i say.

....on a second thought though, do you think it was chidish + an over-reaction on my part? I'm just tired of all the drama.

p.s. totally random: wats the best novel you've read ever?

Last night

2009-07-01T12:10:00.004+01:00

Each time i read a new blog, i wonder why i became a blogger because i foolishly thought i was the only one going through certain stuff...i guess its just all new to me. But then i read someone else's post and it does a better job of expressing how i feel than i would have ever thought. Its equally nice to know that i'm not as weird as i think or wish i was.

Anyhows, right now i'm at work, its actually the only time i get to browse cos my 2nd half (thats my lappie by the way) has a serious problem and i havent gotten round to fixing it :(

I get bored pretty quickly and i ALWAYS need to be doing something. So i stay late at work cos going home is majorly depressing. I just moved into a new place last month (all thanks to that stupid thing called NYSC) and i havent gotten all my things in order so that means no form of entertainment (as in no TV, no dvd player, no PS(yep i love games), no music minus from my phone and worst of all no laptop. Its hell i tell you).

The point of this post: Yesterday i had some mad ass cramps and i had to be at work (well i'll rather have been there than at home) but sadly we closed quite early so i went home hungry and tired and in pain, cleaned my room, had a bath and slept....at get this, 5pm.

Won't it have been bliss if i slept for like 14 hours straight...but no, i woke up by 10 no thanks to some extremely ranom somebody calling me. Couldn't sleep after that, most of them shops were closed (you so don't want to know what state i am in) and i was still hungry. Luckily there was light and i have a good book i am reading very slowly right now....but in between my good book this wave of depression hits me and i'm thinking:

I need meaning, i need something to do,

how do i find that this boredom makes me think, but my thoughts are so shallow

i have no purpose right now, nothing to occupy me during the week nothing but the occasional book and these damned sticks (yes i was smoking AGAIN)

weekends are no better
tis the same ol' mindless fun, unfounded gossip, meaningless sex and seemingly endless parties but they end...eventually they all end and i'm back to square one

My connection to God, very faint;
my connection with mankind practically non existent
almost feel like deleting all my contacts, no one seems to be useful to me
but they might come in handy soon

i need affection, i crave attention,
the One who gives all these unconditionally i continually refuse
I NEED HELP!

I feel like this, or close almost everyday i'm here. But things can only get better yeah. HAPPY NEW MONTH PEOPLE. Have to get back to work now. Talk to y'all soon.....

Abortion: Pro or Anti...

2009-06-20T18:37:00.001+01:00

Five days ago, i wanted to write on this but i thought it might be too macabre for a first timer and things. Well, events of the past 2 days have changed my mind about that...and no i did not have an abortion, my friend did (i kinda feel i'm betraying her doing this but i need to let it out).

Now, i haven't come to a full conclusion on whether i am for or against abortions but i think at this point (being between today and say the next 2 years) if i found myself having to choose, i don't think i'll bat an eyelid before i say 'lets get this over and done with'. So i guess i am for...but my moral concsience won't let me say it plainly.

Anyhu, back to the reason for this blog. My dearest friend got knocked up and well, you can guess the rest. She just sends a text say 'Hi, i'm fine, hows u...btw, i'm pregis'. WTF! Now that isn't what got me thinking, its the fact that this is her 3rd time. Three times in five years. how do you come to terms with that?

It's becoming the norm now, the rate of un protected sex with the thought that if things get really bad, theres always an option of going to some really nice doctor to get it fixed. I know at least 5 close friends who have had abortions over the last4 years and i was even present for one. Believe me, it was traumatizing.

So i guess my questions now: Whats your opinion? Is it ever right?

I've never had one myself and to some extent i dont think i can do this topic as much justice as i should. My thoughts are somewhat unbiased (either morally, religiously, personally or otherwise...). I'll appreciate if the opinions i get are as honest as possible...and it doesnt matter how late you read this, i'll still like a comment about it.

First Time...

2009-06-19T10:57:00.004+01:00

Never thot i'll do this, but wat do u know. Never say never i guess. One of my friends' mentioned how she had started blogging and well, i jumped on the wagon.

Okay, so i have to warn y'all, i'm not much of a writer. I'll choose saying the story to writing it down anyday. but circumstances beyond my control (having friends who like to talk more than they listen) has led me to this. Don't get me wrong, i love my friends to death (and i kinda mean that literarily) but they know how to get on my nerves so well u'll think they studied for it.

Guess i'm in that 'phase' where i need to vent. Tired of being the sounding board so here we r. lets see how it goes...